Controlling behaviors come from addictive challenges, fear or feeling powerless. Letting go of the need to control is a powerful way to reclaim your personal power and happiness.
What you are trying to control is controlling you. The more energy you invest in forcing a particular outcome, the more you hand over your power and the more unhappy you become. You become a willing slave.
Being controlling is ineffective and causes great stress in your mind, body, and emotions. It disconnects you from your spiritual connection.
Controlling behavior causes chronic unhappiness yet many people attempt to control to find happiness. Thus, the paradox that keeps perpetuating the addictive cycle.
You affect others with your words and behavior even when you are not aware. Sensitive people and others can feel your fear and inner agitation as you escalate your controlling nature that stems from fear or not getting what you want or loosing what you have.
How Control Manifests
Dysregulated families such as ones where there is an addiction of any kind, chronic stressors, and discord often produce controlling behaviors in the members of the family, including the children. The controlling behavior is a survival skill that then turns into a coping skill until the person makes changes to heal the trauma and inner disconnection.
You will find it hard to feel close to people and they will find it challenging to become close to you, especially emotionally. This disconnection from others creates chronic loneliness and can yield a sense of inner desperation to be loved or cared for in the world. Poor relationship choices often come from an inner disconnection that the person is trying to control with external means rather than doing their inner healing work.
Controlling others is not reasonable or necessary. Compulsive controlling comes from a state of distress. When you or another are controlling, this is a sign that something is amiss in your beliefs, thoughts, or actions. This is not the time to judge, rather this is the time to reduce the distress and then discern the next right actions.
Signs you are controlling:
- Feeling tense because of being determined to get something specific from someone.
- Resistance to complying if you sense that the other person may be trying to control you whether it is the case of not.
- An overwhelming need to make something happen in a particular manner. Fear and anger are part of this urgency due to being fearful of negative personal consequences. Being compulsively focused on the outcome exacerbates the problem here.
- Blaming with open anger. Your sentences begin with the word “You”. Finger pointing is a controlling behavior.
- Manipulating someone into doing what you want them to do while attempting to convince them that it is their idea.
You are responsible for stopping the controlling behavior. You are responsible for transcending fear, healing old wounds and trauma, and making the decision to approach life more effectively. This will yield true happiness.
How to let go of the need to control:
- Look at your thinking and behavior for patterns that may be instinctive and predicable. Any situation where you are knee-jerking your response is giving you a clue to an underlying controlling pattern. With this awareness, you have the chance to make thought, word, and behavior changes to break the controlling patterns and become open to new outcomes.
- Become Curious. Check your assumptions about motives and meaning. If you are stuck or dysregulated, you may interpret actions and words incorrectly. Assumptions can incite fear and cause ineffective and un-resourceful behavior.
- Trust your feelings and gut. Learning to trust your perceptions and feelings will take some practice. Many times, people are conditioned to ignore their gut and feelings in an effort to control This shift will take time and practice. It is doable and liberating. Stick with growing in your personal trust and integrity.
- Develop your connection to your authentic personal power. Decide what is true for you and what you genuinely need and want. Begin to be open to letting go of being aloof or feeling insufficient.
- Identify alternative ways to engaging with your inner self and others and home and work or school. Communicate with clarity and precision. Develop language and listening skills.
Letting go of the need to control takes time, patience, and persistence. We do not become controlling overnight, and the solution is often multi-faceted and evolves over time. Be open and curious. Regain your personal power by taking steps to be free of the grip of fear and trauma. Seek support and connection. You can do this.
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